2008-01-26T08:46:00.000-08:00

1. They don't allow smoking in the dorms at The Games.

2. They call The Games, "The Games." (pretentious)

3. I, uh, really don't have a sport.

4. They have yet to add Scrabble to the Olympic line-up and...

5 ...they totally ignore Speed Typing as well.

6. I would look silly in an outfit designed to remotely mimic the United States flag.

7. My luck? I'd have to light the damned torch and I have issues with fire.

8. That "parade" around the Olympic Stadium looks like a lot of walking to me.

9. My real name sounds silly in conjunction with "Olympic hero."

10. The little "history of" thing before my performance would have to include some things I'd rather forget. Like my short tennis career. And that thing with so-called "modern" dance.

11. I'm okay in front of crowds but not doing sporty things.

12. My Nurse Self might overcome my Competitive Self.

13. And it might not, which is probably worse.

14. I cheat to win.

15. If I have to stand on the winners' steps with someone from Iraq, I might say something unkind.

16. I'm a bit mature for the whole deal. In years, I mean.

17. You can see some of those gals' panty lines in their outfits. You'd be able to see mine.

18. Screw Gatorade, I want PibbXtra.

19. I might start laughing at the stupidity of the whole deal and thus bring the wrath of my nation upon my head.

20. Once again, as in all years previous, I did not receive an invitation.

20 Reasons You Won't Be Seeing Me Participating In The Olympic Games